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RADAR

Articles Relationship
Posted: April 4, 2023

Pulled and heavily adapted from the Multiamory Podcast, this is akin to a business meeting for relationships. Many aspects are very similar to Gottman interventions and are linked throughout.

Instructions

Remember, tools are only helpful if you use them! – Ground Rules for Healthy Conflict

The Triforce of Communication: (What is the goal of your communication?):
1. Just want to share and be heard
2. Trying to solve a problem, seeking help or advice
3. Seeking sympathy, comfort, praise, or celebration

I always ask myself 2 questions in important conversations:
1. Is this an act of love, or call for love? (Bonus Tip: Anger is usually a call for love, also we still get to have our boundaries, see H.A.L.T. below)
2. Am I listening or am I fixing? (Bonus Tip: Fixing starts with listening, these all start with listening)

Remember to H.A.L.T. if you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired (or Inebriated).
Take a Time Out, take care of that, and then return to the RADAR.

 

Use Non-Violent Communication (NVC) when discussing challenging topics:
1. State an observation of what happened, free of interpretation, accusation, or spin.
2. Express your feelings without applying any story about something that was done to you by others.
3. Say what it is you need.
4. Make a request that is not a demand or your ultimatum. Your partner should feel free to say either “yes” or “no”, or to negotiate the request.

(Here is an example in the form of a Gentle Startup, you can add some pieces from the
Three Skills of Intimate Conversations)

Positive Sentiment Override

Treat your partner with Compassion, Curiosity, and Empathy. This is a safe space to discuss triumphs and disappointments, intense gratitude and sadness. Remember that we’re here because we want our relationship to be the best it can possibly be. Before starting, get out your calendars and schedule the next RADAR.

RADAR Template

DATE

  • Review past actions since last RADAR

Start with reviewing the month. Update on what’s going on in your other relationships or your life. Can be helpful to look back at your calendar. Take notes on what might need discussing with your partner. Celebrate which actions points you did successfully!

For ones you didn’t do, put them back on the Discussion list where you can: Do, Defer, Discuss, or Delete.

  • Discuss

Go through your list. Go through all topics (even if everything is ok). Pick what type of discussion the topic needs.

  • Action Points

Create achievable goals that are as specific as possible.

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