Relationship Menu

Adapted heavily from a resource made by redditor poly_jane, here are some broad categories of discussions to consider when designing an intentional relationship rather then relying on the Relationship Escalator.

Instructions

For each piece consider what you want as well as what you are willing to offer for yourself, your partner(s), or metamours. Are these must haves, like to have, would accept if…, or don’t want? Revisit as needed, usually due to changes or growth.

Commitment

• Marriage / Collaring / Hand fasting
• Pregnancy / children together
• Coparenting children from other partnerships
• Sharing pet(s)
• Having a key
• Cohabitation
• Home ownership
• Prioritization over other partners
• Relationship labels
• Planning for future
• Expectation of long term involvement
• Commitment to working through challenges
• Commitment to relationship maintenance
• Power of attorney/wills
• Support through health challenges (Physical and Mental)

Emotional Intimacy

• Expressing happiness and joy
• Offering support in hard times
• Sharing vulnerable feelings
• Saying “I love you”
• Sharing stories about past
• Sharing hopes for future
• Knowing personal likes/dislikes (eg. food)
• Using pet names
• Sharing about mental health challenges
• Supporting mental health work

Social Integration

• Meeting metamours
• Meeting children
• Meeting parents/siblings/extended family
• Meeting friends
• Spending time as a couple with friends/family
• Positive relationships with metamours
• Joint vacations with family/metamours
• Serving as a +1 for social events
• Presenting as a couple in public settings
• Presenting as a couple in professional settings
• Presenting as a couple on social media
• Following on social media

Communication

• Daily or frequent check-ins
• Texting / text chat
• Phone / video calls
• Discussing work and hobbies
• Discussing family, partners, relationships
• Discussing politics and current events
• Ability to express disagreements or hurt feelings
• Ability to address and resolve conflict
• Radical Honestly

Quality Time

• Regularly scheduled time together
• Date nights
• Spending the night
• Shared hobbies or activities
• Vacations together as a couple
• Calendar management / scheduling initiation

Financial Management

• Shared / Joint bank account(s)
• Mutual contributions to vacations / activities
• Financial support
• Large gifts
• Complete financial integration

Autonomy

• Balance of time together and apart
• Support to pursue independent interests
• Maintaining independent friendships
• Maintaining independent romantic relationships
• Equal distribution of relationship power
• Alone time

Physical Intimacy

• Physical affection
• Public display of affection
• Sexual chemistry
• Compatible sex drives
• Kissing
• Orgasms
• Oral sex
• Manual sex
• Penetrative sex
• Mutual masturbation
• Using sex toys
• Condom / barrier use
• Regular STI testing
• Kink play
• Threesomes or group sex

Have any thoughts, questions, suggestions, or comments on this article? Wondering how to this can be applied, modified, or adapted to your polyamorous, swinging, kink/ BDSM, or otherwise interesting relationship? Feel free to reach out to us here.