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State of the Union Date

State of the Union Date


The State of the Union is a time to reflect on the relationship and share both things that are working well and things that need to be addressed. What I see with the couples I work with is that things build up over time and lead to either big fights or distance. Having a State of the Union conversation can help you stay connected and engaged in your relationship in an otherwise distracting world.







 “I feel [emotion] about [situation, not person], I need [what you need to happen versus what you don’t like that is currently happening], I appreciate your help.


  • The goal is to help attune to one another, keep the acronym ATTUNE below in mind:
    • Awareness – of your partners feeling and experience 
    • Tolerance – that there are two different valid viewpoints for negative emotions
    • Turning Toward – recognizing your partner’s need and turning toward it
    • Understanding – attempting to understand your partners’ experience and their perspective 
    • Non-defensive Listening – listening to your partner’s perspective without concentrating on victimizing yourself or reversing the blame 
    • Empathy – responding to your partner with an understanding, awareness, and sensitivity to their experience and needs


  • Ask each other “What can I do in the next week to make you feel more loved?”, perhaps using the Behavior Exchange exercise.


Have any thoughts, questions, suggestions, or comments on this article? Wondering how to this can be applied, modified, or adapted to your polyamorous, swinging, kink/ BDSM, or otherwise interesting relationship? Feel free to reach out to us here.