Communication Times Three

When a third person joins an existing pair, the dynamics of communication, influence, and closeness within the original pair typically shift. This can lead to feelings of invasion, neglect, anger, or resentment, especially if these changes are not addressed properly. Understanding how to manage these dynamics is crucial for maintaining balanced relationships. Here are some types of triangles that illustrate these shifts:

“I Have a Secret” Triangle
In this situation, Aspen shares information from Cedar with Birch, which might be emotionally charged. This can disrupt the rapport between Birch and Cedar, leading Birch to feel confused or betrayed if they’re not informed directly by Cedar.
To address this:
Encourage Direct Communication: Aspen should encourage Cedar to share their message directly with Birch.
Transparency: Ensure that information shared by Aspen accurately reflects Cedar’s intentions and does not distort their message.

“The Helper” Triangle
Here, Cedar joins an important conversation between Aspen and Birch, either voluntarily or by invitation. The role of Cedar must be clarified to avoid confusion and to ensure that Aspen and Birch’s needs are addressed.
To handle this:
Clarify Roles: Aspen and Birch should clearly communicate what kind of support they need from Cedar.
Respect Boundaries: If Aspen and Birch do not want Cedar’s involvement, they should make this clear.
Feedback Loop: Aspen should be transparent with both parties about the focus and purpose of Cedar’s involvement.

“Someone Feels Left Out” Triangle
When Cedar enters the relationship between Aspen and Birch, it can lead to feelings of marginalization, particularly for the person with the weaker connection to Cedar. This person might experience hurt and exclusion, destabilizing the relationship.
To manage this:
Express Feelings: The marginalized person should communicate their feelings openly and non-accusatory.
Seek Inclusion: They should request specific ways to be included and reflect on how they can contribute to strengthening the connection.
Address Old Issues: If feelings of exclusion are related to past experiences, addressing these underlying issues can help prevent old grievances from affecting the current situation.

“Stuck in the Middle” Triangle
In this case, Birch has strong relationships with both Aspen and Cedar, who may struggle to relate to each other, leaving Birch in a challenging position. Aspen and Cedar might compete for Birch’s attention and involve them in their conflicts, making Birch’s role uncomfortable and complex.
To handle this:
Encourage Direct Interaction: Birch should motivate Aspen and Cedar to build their own relationship and resolve conflicts directly.
Maintain Neutrality: Birch should avoid taking sides and refrain from getting involved in conflicts between Aspen and Cedar.
Support Independence: Birch can support Aspen and Cedar in developing their own connection, which can alleviate Birch’s role as a mediator.

Unicorn Hunters vs. Ethically Closed Triads
The difference between unicorn hunters and ethically closed triads lies in how the introduction of a new person influences existing dynamics. Unicorn hunters seek to add a third person to a relationship without clearly defined boundaries, often leading to disruptions and imbalances in the existing relationship. In contrast, ethically closed triads involve all parties being aware of and agreeing on how the relationship can change, with clear communication and respect for boundaries.

Managing Triangles Effectively
Effective management of these triangles requires:
Clear Communication: All parties should engage in open and honest discussions about their feelings, roles, and expectations.
Respect for Boundaries: Establish and respect personal boundaries to avoid misunderstandings and conflicts.
Direct Engagement: Engage directly with all involved to address any issues and ensure that everyone feels included and valued.
If the dynamics become too complex or strained, seeking the help of a mediator or therapist may be beneficial. Balancing these dynamics with sensitivity and proactive communication is key to maintaining healthy and harmonious relationships.