For many that open their relationship the beginning is rocky to say the least. Discussions are had, expectations envisioned, rules made, feelings let out, more discussions, dating profiles filled in, forum bios introduced, and maybe even people met… then invariably the negative creeps into what should be a simple sharing of bliss! What!? Why!? Here are some of the reasons, suggestions, and invitation to share your questions and thoughts.
“We’re going to do this together… what’s a unicorn hunter and why are the online pitchforks being sharpened?
Most common with couples transitioning into an open relationship. You love each other, you have a good relationship, you want to share this new experience together and with some lucky other(s). There’s a road made with good intentions that doesn’t go anywhere awesome and unfortunately you’ve stumbled onto the Toll Way. Unicorns hunters are those that look for an unattached, bisexual, open women as potential partners with some compromises or more stipulations. In and of itself, closed triads are not inherently negative. Problems arise when those new to open relationships “don’t know what they don’t know”, or to paraphrase Mike Tyson, “everyone has a plan ‘til they get hit in the mouf”. Without meaning to, you’ve created a box for someone to live in that isn’t constructed well because the plans weren’t complete when you began building it.
Let’s extend the analogy, say you are actually hunting a unicorn. No license is required, you just get to go out, unregulated to use whatever trap or tranquilizer you want. First is the frustration, they’re rare. You’ll find lots of other, more experienced hunters chasing a wider array of game, and being much more successful, all the while chastising you for being new, upwind, having the wrong gear, scaring other game off, and generally bad at this. You’re not listening too closely at the hunting lodge however, you know you’re plucky and you’ve had successful hunts before. What you are listening to seems like good advice, most people are rude though, some just laugh at you, and for the most part nobody is going to hunt with you. One day, you actually manage to find a unicorn, you trap it, you bring it home… now what? You have a basic stable built, but you’ve never really been an equine enthusiast, and there’s a lot of unknown unknowns for mythical creatures. How expensive and time consuming is this going to be, how awful is mucking a stall out, what happens when they get sick, who goes riding which days, what if they want out of the stall sometimes? Translated back to reality, how much disposable income do you have for dating, how much time do you really have for a whole other relationship, what are you going to do with baggage everyone has, what if they take ill, how is the partner “shared” and how much voice do they get in that decision, and finally what if they are a total human being with their own wants and needs that extend beyond you and your current partner? What if one dyad of the triad forms more solidly and quickly? Often, a break up that is not done well and that is why unicorn hunters have a bad reputation and staunch opponents.
The best free advice on the topic, smaller steps. How hard was it to find your first true love? Multiply that exponentially to find the one true love for both of you. Start by finding a healthy community, make friends, go to events, make connections, try to identify healthy polycules or groups, and ask how they got there. Then start dating. I’m not saying this is how I came into the ethical nonmonogamy community, I am saying this is how I wish I had.
If this resonates with you or someone you know and you’d like to explore some options for support, let me know below.