Spotting Characterological Abusers
67% of couples in therapy have had a violent episode, half before they fully committed to each other. Some research suggests half of all couples experience Interpersonal Violence (IPV), with 80% of those being situational. While not amazing, there’s work that can be done to correct and grow. For 20% however, it’s characterological, baked into who the abuser is. Here’s how to spot them.
Situational IPV often includes:
- Conflicts that escalated out of control
- Minor injuries
- Doesn’t involve control or dominance
- Violence is reciprocal, no clear perpetrator of victim
- Women start altercation 71% of the time
- Men cause more harm
- Partners do not generally fear the other
- Remorse is shown, impact understood, blame internalized, and there’s a call to change
- Does not escalate to characterological behaviors
Characterological IPV often Includes:
- Asymmetrical with clear perpetrator and victim
- Controlling, dominating, or belligerent behaviors
- Abuser shows little remorse and blames the victim
- Victim has no control over the abuser or violence
- Victim fears the abuser
- Often involves substance use / abuse
- Men are 3 times more likely to be binge drinkers
- Myth: Some ethnicities have higher rates of IPV
- Fact: Lower Socioeconomic levels have higher rates of IPV
Spotting the two kinds of characterological abusers:
- Pit Bulls
- Violent with their intimate partner only
- Motivated by fears of abandonment
- Very jealous
- Suspicious of partner becoming independent, keeps partner isolated
- Domineering
- Condescending & lecturing
- Leads with forehead, head is tilted down like a pitbull growling
- Anger builds gradually when getting more belligerent & contemptuous
- Pulse relate slowly increases with anger, highest when they lash out
- Cobras
- Charming, highly manipulative, seductive
- Violent in all areas of life
- Motivated by power and control
- Uses fear and intimidation to get power and control
- Begins w/ high levels of belligerence; very provocative and domineering
- More likely to use weapons to surprise and threaten victims
- Looks threatening from beginning, does not appear calm
- Leads with chin, make fast little head movements like a cobra
- Heart rates drop before strike
- Expresses no remorse
Emotional Abuse Considerations
- Characterological Emotional Abuse is just as damaging to the victim over a long period of time.
- Sometimes moves from physical to emotional abuse to hide the abuse without actually changing.
- Often physical abuse is no longer necessary, the victim is already beaten down.
When we don’t believe therapy can help the relationship:
- When the abuser avoids responsibility for the abuse
- When the abuser blames victim
- When the violence is minimized
- When theres has been a / have been severe injurie(s)
- Skills training, anger management, time outs, deep breathing, etc. do not work!
- These don’t work in long run as they don’t deal with the emotions of abusers (shame, fear of abandonment)
Suggestions:
- Victim Safety Plan
- Develop safety plan
- Get copies of important documents, accounts numbers, or anything needed to disappear
- Hide clothes, money, etc. for immediate escape if needed
- Establish a safe, unknown place to hide
- Go without warning to a safety shelter
- Not sure if your relationship involved Characterological abuse? We can screen for that:
- CTS2, Intimate Justice Scale, Fear of Partner Ch. 9 p. 35, Social Control of Partner Ch. 9 p. 35
- Attend Couples Together Against Violence (CTAV) ~5 months
Have any thoughts, questions, suggestions, or comments on this article? Broken link? Wondering how to this can be applied, modified, or adapted to your polyamorous, swinging, kink/ BDSM, or otherwise interesting relationship? Feel free to reach out to us here.