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Relationship Discernment Questions

The following variables and questions contain crucial information that will help you determine whether you want to commit, work on the relationship now and see if we want to commit in 6 months, or begin working on an amicable de-escalation. Go through them with your partner and honestly tell each other how you feel about each. Your responses will understandably be different, and that is not a problem. Putting both of your reactions and responses together will still help point you in the right direction.


Separately consider the following questions:


  • On a scale of 1 to 10, how committed am I to this relationship?
  • If this person was no longer in my life, would I feel more relief or more grief?
  • How much do I truly want to give the relationship a real try again?

Resources (Time, energy, money, patience, availability)

  • How much do I want to reprioritize those resources, even if it means giving up other people and things that have become more satisfying?
  • Can I redirect my commitment without resentment?


  •  Can I give up seeing my partner as the problem and focus, instead, on how I have sabotaged the relationship by my own actions?
  • Am I willing to acknowledge my partner’s positive contributions?

Agreement on new goals

  • Do I know what I want?
  • Will it be what my partner wants as well? How can we create a new dream that fulfills us both?


  • What would I miss if this person were no longer in my life? Where are those feelings selfish, and where are they genuine appreciation?
  • What would my partner need from me to trust that my desire to stay in the relationship was not just self-serving?

Faith in the process

  • Can we believe that if we do the work, we can bring our love back again?
  • Can I believe that you share that faith with me?

Replacing fantasy with acknowledgment and acceptance

  • If I am completely honest with myself, is my authentic partner enough for me to reinvest in?
  • Can I, at my best, fulfill my partner’s understandable and legitimate needs of me?
  • Are we both ready to do this?

When you’ve answered all these questions consider the following questions together:

  • Do you want to take this journey with me?
  • How would each of us feel if we regretted not trying?
  • Will we truly be better off without each other?

Have any thoughts, questions, suggestions, or comments on this article? Wondering how to this can be applied, modified, or adapted to your polyamorous, swinging, kink/ BDSM, or otherwise interesting relationship? Feel free to reach out to us here.