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Kink, Non-Monogamy, and Boundaries

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Setting Boundaries for Your Kink / BDSM Lifestyle

One of the most beautiful things about the human race is how different and unique we all are – inside and outside. I think that’s something we forget to appreciate all too often. Or in some cases, refuse to even accept.

The thing is, everyone experiences fun, fulfillment, and relationships in a variety of shades on a spectrum that is ever-expanding. And if you are someone who wants to explore kink and BDSM (or who already has an active slave dynamic contract), you might be one of those people whom others don’t fully understand or accept.

Quite possible, you’ve experienced some sort of discrimination (or at the very least, snarky reactions) from people who just don’t get you, if you’ve even dared to explain that the eyehooks in your bedroom aren’t really for hanging plants. Maybe even from your own family and friends if you’ve had to explain what a munch is. As a result you might feel ashamed of who you are, or you may be reluctant to truly let yourself shine. Of course, it’s also possible that the shame makes your slave dynamic even more interesting.

In either case, establishing healthy boundaries is an important part of safely exploring kink and BDSM.

Boundaries with your Kink and BDSM Sexual Partners

Have you ever been surprised after discovering that you actually enjoyed something that was kind of crazy-out-there? Maybe that experience inspired you to explore your kinky side and engage in some playful BDSM. That’s great, but it’s important to acknowledge that at some point, you may come across something that you don’t enjoy.

This is where your boundaries come into play. Whether you decide to use “safe words” with your partners, or set the ground rules before playing out a scene, your boundaries can protect you from any unexpected surprises.

Communication is key to making sure that everyone involved is having a good time. Make a list of mutually approved toys, talk about personal preferences, and if there is anything that is not okay with you, make sure your partners know. Websites such as Mojoupgrade and Sexionnaire can be really good to see what adult play might be mutually interesting without exposing yourself if you’re still uncomfortable with expressing what you like. Fetlife, facebook for kinksters, also has a robust community and insights. 

Boundaries with your Friends and Family… and Partners

So you’ve decided to be a little more open about who you are, how you express yourself, and the ways in which you enjoy sex. That’s your prerogative. Still, it’s up to you to decide what you’re comfortable sharing and to set boundaries that protect you from feeling uncomfortable around those who may not understand.

Not comfortable playing your role in your slave dynamic when your friends and family are around? Make sure your partner knows and agrees. Alternatively, you may decide not to introduce your partners to the people in your life who wouldn’t understand. That’s okay too.

Your boundaries are yours to set and enforce.

If you’re still new to the kink and BDSM scene and you need help navigating your feelings and experiences, or determining what sort of boundaries you need to set, consider working with a professional. I offer mental health counseling and alternative relationship coaching sessions right here in Houston, Texas. Whether you need to talk about some troubling experiences you may have had, or you need advice on how to set up a kink and BDSM friendly dating profile, I can help. I also help those navigating more complex relationships and play with questions such as, “my girlfriend’s other dom wants her collared 24/7, now I feel like there’s no space for just us, should I ask for a key?”, or “I’m a feeder, and my boyfriend is supposed to be under punishment from another dynamic, what do I do?” or, “how do I tell one partner I only do certain activities with a certain person for… reasons:?”

     Have any thoughts, questions, suggestions, or comments on this article? Broken link?   Wondering how to this can be applied, modified, or adapted to your polyamorous, swinging,        kink/ BDSM, or otherwise interesting relationship? Feel free to reach out to us here.