Find Dreams in Each Other’s Gridlock

Posted: March 30, 2023

The following is a list of gridlocked issues that other people have had in their relationships. In this exercise, see if you can imagine and identify a dream within each position.

Make up a story, or narrative, for each side of the gridlock. In each case, imagine that this is your position and that it is very hard for you to yield on this position. Think of what your position might mean to you. Also imagine where this dream may come from in your own pretend past life. Doing this will eventually help you with your own gridlocked conflict.

For the first two issues, the narrative story about the dream within the conflict is included. For the remainder of the issues, add your own pretend narrative story. One suggested narrative is at the end of the exercise.

Gridlocked Position Example A:

I want to save money so that we can have an investment portfolio for our later years. My partner wants to spend money and not live for tomorrow. My partner objects to having a sizeable savings plan. I think that my partner is impractical and thoughtless.

Here’s a story that illustrates the dream within this conflict:

I grew up living with my grandmother, who was a fine person. However, she and my mother just did not get along. So in her later years, my grandmother had very little control of her own life, and she had to endure a lot of indignities just so she could have a roof over her head. I feel that I am a lot like her. When I become old I want to have the control over my life that she never had. I want to be able to live as I want to live, not extravagantly, but with dignity and some measure of control. Depending on my health, this will take some money set aside, and some planning. But I feel I need this to be secure right now that everything will be okay when I become old.

Gridlocked Example B:

I want to spend a reasonably large portion of our income, close to 10 percent, on charitable contributions. My partner objects to this because we do not have much of a savings plan ourselves. My partner thinks my insistence on this is

impractical and thoughtless.

Here’s a story that illustrates the dream within this conflict:

My family, the Johnsons, have a heritage of giving money to the poor and of spending part of every week doing something for the poor. My mother ran a soup kitchen, for example. I have always worked in a soup kitchen in our local church. I decided long ago to tithe, and that is a part of my identity. It is my link to my family tradition. I can’t give in on this issue because I would be betraying something that I believe in, I would be betraying myself. My dream is

to lead a moral life in what I see as a basically selfish and cruel world.

Now add a pretend narrative story that could illustrate the dream within each of the following conflicts. In each case, imagine that this is your position, and that it is very hard for you to yield on this position. Think of what your position might mean to you. Find the dream within the position. Also think about where this dream may come from in your own pretend past life.

Examples of Gridlocked Problems:

Gridlocked Position #1:

My partner is overly neat and tidy, in my opinion. I like a certain amount of order and neatness in our home, but not as much as my partner insists upon. I find myself constantly trying to find things after my partner has cleaned up. I think my partner is being inconsiderate, and overly controlling, and I am tired of this.