Cascade of Events for Breaking Agreements
Posted: October 6, 2022
Cascade of Events for Breaking Agreements
82% of affairs among monogamous partnerships are not seated in lust, rather they are from hurt or fear. Potential partners are already acquaintances, and are characterized by
- Secrecy
- Emotional intimacy
- Sexual chemistry.
Precursor thoughts
Thoughts that lead to agreement breaking are similar to:
- Unfavorably judging a behavior exchange
- Comparing with real or imagined alternatives
- “I can do better with somebody else”
Cascading Events
- Turning away or against partner’s bids.
- Make negative comparisons of partner versus others while turning away or against partner’s bid.
- Feel like the partner is not “there for me” (86% turning away, 33% turning toward), increasing emotional distance
- More emotional flooding occurs with negative events.
- Conflict absorbing state, can’t resolve conflict. Repair attempts do not work or are not attempted.
- Cycles of blow ups and conflict avoidance, suppressing negative effects of conflict.
- Avoids self disclosure leading to secrets and deceptions.
- Bidding for attunement declines.
- Invest less in relationships, loneliness increases.
- Less dependence on relationships to get needs met. Confiding in others, not partner.
- Less sacrificing. Substituting, finding “what’s not there” elsewhere.
- Maximizing a partner’s negative traits, defensiveness begins.
- Minimizing partner’s positive traits. Criticism begins. Shared meaning erodes. Begin taking less or no responsibility for problems.
- Trashing vs. cherishing begins. Shared meaning erodes more.
- Trashing partner to others, the story of us goes negative.
- Builds resentment. Sees partner as selfish. Stonewalling starts.
- More loneliness, beginning vulnerability to other relationships.
- Partner refusing sex becomes punishing leading to low sexual desire. Porn use may increase.
- Less pro-relationship thoughts, more anti-relationship thoughts
- Starts innocent new secret liaisons.
- Reverses walls & windows (Shirley Glass), building a metaphorical fence between self and partner.
- Keeping more and more secrets from partner, deception increases.
- Actively turning toward others for needs, seeking what’s not in a relationship.
- Crossing boundaries. Real betrayal unfolds. Deceptions become a way of life. Risky.
Have any thoughts, questions, suggestions, or comments on this article? Wondering how to this can be applied, modified, or adapted to your polyamorous, swinging, kink/ BDSM, or otherwise interesting relationship? Feel free to reach out to us here.