Cascade of Events for Breaking Agreements
Posted: October 6, 2022
Cascade of Events for Breaking Agreements
82% of affairs among monogamous partnerships are not seated in lust, rather they are from hurt or fear. Potential partners are already acquaintances, and are characterized by
- Secrecy
- Emotional intimacy
- Sexual chemistry.
For the partner who commits to agreement breaking, there is often a cascade of events that happen before.
Precursor thoughts
Thoughts that lead to agreement breaking are similar to:
- Unfavorably judging a behavior exchange
- Comparing with real or imagined alternatives
- “I can do better with somebody else”
Cascading Events
- Turning away or against partner
- Negative comparisons while turning away/against
- Not “there for me” (86% turning away, good 33%), emotional Distance
- More flooding occurs with negative events.
- Conflict absorbing state, can’t resolve conflict. Repair attempts do not work.
- Blow ups and conflict avoidance. Suppresses negative effects.
- Avoids self disclosure leading to secrets and deceptions.
- Bidding for attunement declines.
- Invest less in relationships. Loneliness increases.
- Less dependence on relationships to get needs met. Confiding in others, not partners.
- Less sacrificing. Substituting, find what’s not there elsewhere..
- Maximizing a partner’s negative traits. Defensiveness begins.
- Minimizing partner positive traits. Criticism begins. Shared meaning erodes. Begin taking less or no responsibility for problems.
- Trashing vs. cherishing begins. Shared meaning erodes more.
- Trashing partners to others, the story of us goes negative.
- Builds resentment. See partner as selfish. Stonewalling starts.
- More loneliness. Vulnerability to other relationships starts.
- Partner refusing sex becomes punishing. Low sexual desire. Porn use may increase.
- Less pro-relationship thoughts, more anti-relationship thoughts
- Starts innocent new secret liaisons.
- Reverses walls & windows (Shirley Glass). Fence between self and partner.
- Keeping more and more secrets from my partners. Deception increases.
- Actively turning toward others for needs, seeking what’s not in a relationship.
- Crossing boundaries. Real betrayal unfolds. Deceptions become a way of life. Risky.
Have any thoughts, questions, suggestions, or comments on this article? Wondering how to this can be applied, modified, or adapted to your polyamorous, swinging, kink/ BDSM, or otherwise interesting relationship? Feel free to reach out to me here.
