Sometimes, even when we are interested in understanding our own, or a partner’s sexual desires or turn-ons, we don’t know how to ask. It’s such a big question: “what do you like” that it can be overwhelming. Here are 10 specific questions to give you and your partners some ways to talk about what creates arousal inside you and them.

1. How do you turn yourself on when you’re alone?

2. What makes your body feel good? (e.g. pizza, massage, naps, hair being played with)

3. If I were to do a new thing in bed, what would you want it to be?

4. What feelings do your favorite fantasies evoke? (e.g. power, surrender, passion, completeness, control, humiliated (the fun way), star of the show)

5. What feelings would you absolutely not want to have during a sexual encounter? (e.g. lost, fear, uncertain, bored)

6. What non-sexual things make you feel a little hotter/sexier/better? (e.g. wind in your hair, taking a bath, cooking, eating favorite foods)

7. If I were to say something during a sexual encounter, what is the hottest possible thing for me to say? (e.g. “I love you”, “fuck me”, “use me like a slave”, “you’re mine”)

8. What is something I wear that really makes you attracted to me? (e.g. fancy outfit, sweatpants, baseball hat, a different gender expression, hot underwear)

9. Are there pet names/nicknames  I could use that would turn you on? (e.g. sweetie, daddy, love, master/mistress, cutie pie, baby, slut)

10. What are  some things we do together that are engaging and fun enough that you lose track of time, or really don’t want it to end? (e.g. playing a favorite sport, taking a hike, laughing together, Netflix and chilling)

These things together can help you understand your partner further and help you or them initiate encounters that can enhance your interactions. Take these answers and let them show you a piece of your partner that maybe you hadn’t ever put together before. Learn and find what you both can enjoy. Have fun and play safely!

As written by:

     Ren Reed, LMFT, LPC

Have any thoughts, questions, suggestions, or comments on this article? Wondering how to this can be applied, modified, or adapted to your polyamorous, swinging, kink/ BDSM, or otherwise interesting relationship? Feel free to meet the team and reach out to us here