How to Share New Kinks

Discovering your or your partner’s kink may initially cause distress, but with open communication, understanding, and empathy, you can work through it together. Frankly, having something awoken in you can also be extremely uncomfortable, especially sharing it with anyone. It’s important to remember that every relationship is unique, and finding what works for both partners is key to maintaining a healthy and fulfilling connection.

Discovering your partner’s hidden desires can be a challenging but enlightening journey in a relationship. Whether it’s a kink, fetish, or other sexual interest, understanding and navigating it requires empathy, communication, and compromise.

To begin, it’s important to acknowledge the prevalence of such desires. Research shows that around 50% of people have kink or fetish fantasies, with 30% indulging in them. These desires often correlate with higher life and relationship satisfaction. When one partner discovers the other’s kink, it can trigger various emotional responses, including distress, confusion, and feelings of betrayal; the new king partner may feel guilt or shame.

To address these emotions, it’s crucial to start by processing them and considering both your own and your partner’s perspectives. This involves understanding the significance of presence, connection, and deep sexual intimacy within the relationship. Additionally, practicing extraordinary communication, rooted in authenticity and vulnerability, can help foster understanding and trust between partners.

One helpful tool in addressing conflicts that may arise from discovering a partner’s kink is the “Dreams Within Conflict” exercise, introduced by the Gottman Institute. This exercise aims to uncover the underlying meanings and values behind each person’s position in a conflict. By exploring the dreams and stories associated with these positions, partners can move past gridlocked issues and find common ground.

Similarly, the “Art of Compromise” exercise encourages partners to identify their non-negotiable needs and flexible areas within their positions. By sharing and understanding each other’s internal worlds, partners can work towards creating temporary compromises that feel authentic and are open to future negotiation.

In navigating any kink, education and self-exploration are also essential. Learning about different sexual fantasies and interests can help normalize them and reduce distress. Books like “Tell Me What You Want“, “Sex at Dawn”, “My Secret Garden”, and “Ethical Slut” offer insights into the diversity of sexual desires, promoting acceptance and understanding.

Furthermore, it’s important to approach conversations about the kink with curiosity and empathy. Resources such as “With Sprinkles On Top” and “Opening Up” or websites such as Carnal Calibration or Fetlife; or even apps such as the Gottman Card Decks provides structured questions for facilitating these discussions, allowing partners to understand each other’s perspectives without judgment.

In some cases, partners may find ways to mutually enjoy the kink or reach a compromise that respects both individuals’ needs and boundaries. However, if an impasse is reached, where one partner wants to explore the kink and the other does not, it may require reevaluating the relationship. Open communication and seeking support from a certified sex and relationship therapist can help navigate these challenges and make informed decisions about the future of the relationship.

In conclusion, discovering a partner’s kink can be a complex and emotionally charged experience, but it’s not insurmountable. By prioritizing empathy, communication, and compromise, partners can strengthen their connection and navigate this aspect of their relationship with understanding and respect.

Have any thoughts, questions, suggestions, or comments on this article? Wondering how to this can be applied, modified, or adapted to your polyamorous, swinging, kink/ BDSM, or otherwise interesting relationship? Feel free to reach out to us here.