Core Strengths of Secure Relationships
A distillation of only the most essential insights for secure and happy relationships seems to come down to Curiosity, Kindness, and Gratitude. Together, these strengthen each other and provide protective factors for a relationship. Kindness builds safety. Curiosity invites connection. Gratitude reinforces what’s good. Each one feeds the others. And together, they help relationships not just survive, but thrive.
Curiosity keeps relationships alive. It invites us to keep learning about each other—especially as we grow and change. Curiosity is about asking, not assuming. It sounds like:
- “Tell me more about that.”
- “What do you need right now?”
- “What was that like for you?”
Curiosity fosters empathy, deepens understanding, and helps prevent the erosion of connection that comes from taking each other for granted.
Skills: ||
- Gottman Card Decks || ( Love Map Exercise )
- 36 Questions to fall in love
- Co-Summarizing
- Build a Map of Your Partner’s Everyday Life
- Meanings Interview
- Three Skills of Intimate Conversation
- Ask Open-Ended Questions
Kindness is love in action. It’s the small things—remembering their favorite snack, offering a reassuring touch, or simply speaking gently in a moment of stress. Kindness creates psychological safety, helping each person feel valued and accepted.
“Kindness says: You matter to me, even when things are hard.”
Kindness also acts as a buffer during conflict. It makes repair easier, reduces defensiveness, and reminds us that our partner is not the enemy.
Skills:
- Kindness
- Gentle Startup
- Time Out
- Behavior Exchange
- Ending Gridlock: Fears of Accepting Influence
- “I Appreciate…” Adjective Checklist
- 7-Week Guide for Creating Fondness and Admiration
- Fondness and Admiration in Everyday Life
Gratitude shifts our attention to what’s working. It helps us savor the good and build a culture of appreciation. When we say “thank you” sincerely—not just for big things, but for everyday efforts—it reinforces connection and builds emotional intimacy.
“Gratitude says: I see you, and I don’t take you for granted.”
Couples who regularly express appreciation tend to be more satisfied and more resilient during tough times.
Skills:
Have any thoughts, questions, suggestions, or comments on this article? Wondering how to this can be applied, modified, or adapted to your polyamorous, swinging, kink/ BDSM, or otherwise interesting relationship? Feel free to reach out to us here.